I woke up this morning to the sound of my exicted kids!  They had just woke up and saw all the presents that Santa brought.   So I jumped up and hurried to the living room.  I sat them down and passed out presents.  One by one they tore them open with excited and surprised looks on their cute little faces.  Then when it was all done, of course, I had a living room full of torn up paper, boxes from toys and all that good stuff.  I decided, since I had 3 other places to go today, that I would clean it all up when I got home.  If I had only known how I would feel when I got back home.

     My mother lives right next door to me so, of course, we headed over there next.  We unwrapped presents and helped clean up there.  The whole time, I felt terrible, because she got me and chris both a gift and we couldnt afford to get her anything after buying for the kids.  To top it all of christmas is also her birhtday!  That was the first time of the day that the tears started to stirr in my eyes, but it wouldn't be the last.

     Then we went to a friends house because she had informed us that she had gifts she wanted to give the kids.  I expected one or two gifts for each of them.  Instead, to my surprise, there were 4 for each of them!  Once again, I had nothing to give back.  The tears got closer.

     After that, we headed to Chris's Mom and Dad's house where his whole family was waiting.  They didn't know we were even going to be there until a week ago and I guess that wasn't enough time to buy anything for my kids.  However the other 4 that were there had many many gifts to open and play with.  So my kids sadly sat there and watched the others having fun, until I got pissed and made a trip back to my house to get my kids' new toys so they would at least have something to play with.  Again the tears grew closer.

     Now, before I go on, you should know that May 1st of this year, I lost my dearest Uncle Stephen in a horrific car accident.  He was only 34 years old and more like a father than an uncle.  I have lost many loved ones over the years, but the first holiday season without one of them is always the hardest.

     As I sat and watched his family mingling and laughing, I was overwhelmed by the need to be with mine.  However, I have very few left living.  My Mom, one uncle, two aunts and my grandpa.  My mom lives next door and my uncle lives with me so we're all pretty close, but my two aunts live in kansas (1000 miles away) and my grandpa is in jail because of his alcoholism.  So that narrows it down to two.  Don't get me wrong, I am very greatfull to still have them and I love them very much, but the problem was that we couldn't have christmas dinner together because no one could afford to buy the food.  So I was having dinner with strangers and felt like the outsider intruding on someone elses family, while wishing I could be with mine and doing all of this with no cigarettes!  More tears gathered behind the others.

     Finally, the damm broke and the rain began to fall.  I almost couldn't make it to the bathroom fast enough.  I didn't want anyone to see me.  I stood in there bawling listening to everyone's conversation.  No one had even noticed me gone.  Then finally, after about 15 minutes, I had just managed to dry my bloadshot eyes when someone knocked on the door.  It was Chris.  He said his mom had seen me run in the bathroom and had wondered if I was ok.  I told him my frustrations as the tears started falling again.  He huged me and told me it was ok and asked if I wanted to go home.  I gave him a pathetic look and answered "Please?"  So he said his farewells while I stood there waiting.  Everyone around me pretended no to see my red eyes and cheeks.  Ya know, they wouldnt want to have to ask me what was wrong or even talk to me for that matter.  Finally, we left.  I have never been so relieved to be going home in my life. 

     I walked in my house and remembered the horrible mess that I still had to clean up.  But I would rather clean it for the rest of my life than go through the rest of the day again. 

     I guess you could say, I've seen better days and better holidays.